Changes

I woke up this morning to a familiar but new sting.  It was the sting of loss, accompanied by the reminder of blessings.  But this morning’s was different.  Today is another one of those days that I’ve subconsciously been dreading for weeks.  I want so badly to be present for my children and my husband today, and allow myself to enjoy a day that they want to celebrate what I am to them, but my heart is torn.

I told John this morning that this time last year I would have never, in a million years, imagined that we’d be where we are now.  Memories are flooding my mind of the blissful Mother’s Day I celebrated with my husband, our children, our little secret, and my dad just one year ago.  Remembering our picnic at the park, watching the kids play on the playground, spending the afternoon sitting by my dad’s pool while the kids swam and splashed in the water.  Unexpectedly sharing our little Ethan secret with my dad, and the way he hugged me when we said goodbye, congratulating me on his 9th grandchild.  It was the perfect day.

And today… as I’m sitting in bed, being instructed to wait here to be served breakfast in bed, I want it to be another perfect day.  And while I know it will be everything God has it planned to be, it’s not MY perfect.  I wanted to spend this day getting my 4 month old baby boy out of his crib, getting ready for church, maybe even spending the afternoon with my dad again.  Imagining everything that this day could have been doesn’t do me any good, I know.  If anything it only makes it worse, and potentially serves to grow my anger.  So I won’t.

Our son’s spirit is walking with me through every joyful and sorrowful moment of this day.  Sometimes I swear I can feel his little hand touching my face, reassuring me of his presence.  And I can see my dad’s smile as he watches Adelyn and Miller play, argue, and run around only half dressed singing “Happy Mother’s Day to you”.  I see them watching the husband that John is to me, and the father he is to our children, and being so proud of what a strong, faithful, loving man he is.

The only thing that is constant in our lives is change.  And I have changed more in the past year than, perhaps, in all of my almost 32 years of life.  I don’t know that I would recognize the “me” from 12 months ago if I saw her walking down the street.  She was blissfully ignorant, living in a fairytale, and blind to so much.  The past year has taught me that life is short.  I’ve learned that I need to love more fiercely, forgive more freely, laugh more readily… I’ve learned to appreciate the little things, be grateful for EVERYTHING, and be ready to see things from another’s perspective at every opportunity.  And I’m changing every day, learning to do more of these things, and strengthen my ability to practice them.

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again, my situation is no easier or more difficult than anyone else’s.  But it is different.  To try to compare one person’s story to another serves no purpose.  But one thing is for certain, it is my duty and calling as a daughter of the King to share my love, empathy, prayer, and faith with those who are struggling in any way.  So I will say to anyone reading this who is struggling… I am here, but more importantly, HE is here.  Run to Him and he will scoop you up, just as He has done for me, time and time again… and He will hold you close, covering you in His love and promises.

And so, today, I will run to Him.  I will let Him cover me in everything that I need to fill those empty places in my heart that only He can.  I will enjoy this day with my family allowing Him to place on me, the strength I need for this day, knowing that someday I will be complete.  Until that day… I will thank God for his unending blessings, I will strive to live the life He wants for me, and be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that He would call me to be.  Run to Him!  He is waiting! <3

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