I don’t have anything inspirational or uplifting to say today. More for myself, I simply want to document yesterday and today as mini-milestones. Yesterday I celebrated my 31st birthday. Saturday evening my family got together for an afternoon of swimming and pizza. I was so grateful to have so many people willing to take time out of their day to celebrate with me. Yesterday was a low-key, relaxed day… but it was heartbreaking at the same time. All day, I waited. For that phone call that I knew would never come. There hasn’t been an August 27th in my life that I haven’t heard my dad wish his Little Bitty a happy birthday. As I lay in bed last night, I knew that going to sleep would be an act of finality for me. The first birthday of the rest to follow that I wouldn’t hear his voice, telling me that he loved me and that he hoped I had a great day. A little over a month ago Mary sent us a voicemail that she’d thankfully found in her phone, from him. That’s all I have left of his voice. Until I listened to it this weekend I’d forgotten the sound of it. I miss him so much. The ache in my heart seems unbearable at times. And it’s nights like last night, that I do just lie there and wonder why. Why so soon? Why without any warning? Why so much all at once?
Today… I’m 20 weeks pregnant. This “officially” means that we are halfway through our time with our precious Ethan. Of course, only God knows the plans for our son’s life. But I must prepare for the likeliest outcome. Some days I feel like I’ve been pregnant for years, simply because so much has happened in this short time. Other days, like today (and most days), I realize that 9 months isn’t enough. Every day my love for this precious life grows. I feel him moving and kicking, I’m learning his favorite times of day, his favorite foods (grandpa would be proud- he’s a chocolate ice cream boy too), that he likes to wake up when I’m ready for bed. He loves lunch time. He’s stubborn when I want John, the kids, or my mom to feel him kick. He’s incredible. He’s amazing. He’s another one of my greatest blessings. I would choose his life, over and over again, even through the pain. I’m not ready for the coming months. I’m not ready for how quickly I know they will pass. School has started, routines are in place, then come the holidays- we all know how they fly by. And it will be here. And I’m not ready. I remind myself to live in today, appreciate my blessings, and not worry about tomorrow. But it’s so hard to not dread what I believe to be the inevitable. My prayer is to lay my problems at the feet of Jesus and put my trust fully and completely in Him.
This is the first “belly” picture I’ve taken during this pregnancy. I want to make a point of being better about it- easier said than done. I’m also not a fan of selfies but like I said, for documentational purposes, I’ll make an exception.
We continue to be so grateful for your thoughts and prayers. If I could, also request them for Mary, my brother, and my sister. Their grief has been heavy on my heart lately. God Bless!